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27-Jul-2017 14:17

' So I sent her my ironing." Louder laughter followed that, and even a slight ripple of applause, so I went for the big finish. It's time to reintroduce you to the gorgeous Penny and Paula but first, just remember, when you're fucking the wife and she says "ooh baby, it's huge! " I went off to much more applause than the weak material deserved, but it was soon drowned out with whistles and cat-calls at the appearance of Margaret and Deidre -- alias 'Penny and Paula.' This was their big number and it meant I had a good fifteen minutes to return to my dressing room and grab a small Scotch before I had to do the closing routine.The first time I'd seen them perform their routine had been a couple of years earlier and I'd seen it again a couple of times since then.After three years she told me it wasn't the kind of life she wanted and, even though there wasn't anyone else, we split up and went our own ways fairly amicably.My second was a total slut who fucked loads of people, both male and female (well, I guess you don't have a lot of choice when you're getting loads of money for making porn movies! The sex, as you might imagine, was terrific but, to be honest, there wasn't much else.It's strange, but most comedians have egos as fragile as a politician's promise -- and I was no exception.My failure on TV made me seek comfort in a bottle and it wasn't long before my comic timing started to slip, the laughs became harder to get, and some of my bookings after the summer were withdrawn.

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I mean, I say 'standard,' but the girls moved so seductively that it was a guaranteed trouser-strainer.She eventually left me for one of the producers, retired, and is now living in a tax haven somewhere or other.